You Can’t Hold On

One of the most profound realizations I’ve ever had about “letting go” is that you actually HAVE TO let go in life.

Seeing this makes the process quite a bit simpler. You may still experience a significant amount of psychological resistance to the idea of letting go of your attachments, but that doesn’t change the fact that you actually have no choice.

Most people spend their entire lives acting out of a state of inner insecurity. Thus, they seek external sources of security as compensation.

This manifests as follows:

I don’t feel good about myself as I am, so I decide that I’m going to do something about it.

This is the initial step. We take action to compensate. This can range from using substances to cope with our internal feelings to trying to earn as much money as possible to frantically prove to ourselves that we ARE worth something, that we ARE enough.

Conveniently, the world we live in has, from the very moment you were born, barraged you with an endless array of messages about what “should” make you happy.

So we think, “I need more money, a nicer car, a girl or boyfriend, a nicer house, more freedom, a new haircut, nicer clothes, to lose weight, to be famous…” and so on.

And while there’s certainly no problem with any of those things, there IS a fundamental issue with the way we go about getting them.

I believed, for a long time, that a partner would “fix” me. I needed to find the right person, who loved me the right way and understood me. And then somehow by that process, I would finally feel whole and complete.

When I finally found a relationship that checked those internal boxes, I was over the moon. I was so incredibly happy - So happy that my mind detached from reality and went into “imagination mode”

I imagined a future, traveling the world with my partner, maybe a family someday, how happy we’d be…

And it all came crashing down around me during a sudden and unexpected breakup.

Afterward, during a sort of “relationship post-mortem”, I realized that through my desire for that story to be played out, I had actually contributed (if not directly caused) the breakup to happen.

I was so attached to the story of the girl who would fix me, so lost in my own “broken-ness”, that I was blind to reality. I was desperate for anybody who could come close to making me feel whole.

Because I had the image of the one perfect person who would make me whole, who would solve my problems and set me free, I PROJECTED that image onto this girl.

She became my goddess, my way out of hell, the one who would save me.

Even when the relationship ended, it wasn’t ACTUALLY about the relationship. I was trying to hold on for the sake of the image. The relationship was on the rocks and wasn’t a good time anymore. The thing I was desperately clinging to and refusing to let go of was the STORY in my own head.

And the lesson I learned is that over time, illusions will fade. The truth will be made clear.

I was trying to build a life around a series of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and coping mechanisms.

If I had let the fantasy of the perfect future go, I would’ve been able to be more present, more relaxed in the relationship. It may well have lasted a lot longer. It may have even turned into something like I’d dreamed it would.

But my dissociation from reality, my projecting the image of perfection onto this girl, and then struggling to measure up to my own projection, that’s what ultimately caused me the pain.

No matter where you draw your security from, if it’s external, it can and will fade.

If you draw your sense of purpose from your job, who will you be when you retire?

If you draw your sense of security from your power, your physical strength, who will you be when you get old and withered?

If like me, you strive to find that other half, who will you be without them? Will you be broken once more?

The very nature of everything in the world is transitory. Everything is constantly changing. No relationship, family, friends, business, romance, none of it will last forever.

Even if it lasts 50 years, it will eventually fade.

And the more desperately we try to keep it, to control it, to force it to stay… the quicker it seems to leave.

You really can’t hold on. No matter how hard you fight, no matter how hard you try, you eventually have to let go - because the THING will be gone.

The only thing we CAN hold onto is our mental pictures, our ideas, and concepts.

That might sound defeatist and nihilistic, but it isn’t!

The very beauty of life comes about from the fact that it will change. So enjoy the time you have. Be present. Live, laugh, love!

Let things come, enjoy them. And when the time comes, let them go. Trust that new things will also come. New things you might have never expected.

The world is full of amazing relationships that have stood the test of time. And the world is also full of miserable couples who have stuck it out for 30+ years out of sheer stubbornness and hate. They might be “holding on” to their relationship - but they’re actually holding on to a past picture. An image of how things used to be, or how things “should” be, projected onto a reality that no longer matches the ideal.

This pulls us out of sync with reality. Like my relationship. I was in love with the fantasy I had projected onto reality. But that brought with it crippling insecurity, neediness and anxiety. Because I wanted to maintain my projection, my mental image of the relationship, at any cost.

My addiction to this image of the relationship ended up costing me the actual thing.

It pulled me out of sync with reality. When we spend our time clinging to emotionally charged mental images, we lose touch with what’s going on. Our projections become more important than actual people.

Looking important becomes more important than being happy

Having people think your life is good becomes more important than having a good life

Being rich becomes more important than taking care of your family

We become blinded by the glamour of the mental image, and we lose sight of what matters.

So be willing to let go of the mental pictures, your projections, and your insecurities, and see clearly!

Because life, REAL LIFE, isn’t something you CAN hold on to. You can only hold on to your illusions ABOUT it, and in my experience, those illusions cause a lot more trouble than they’re worth.

But the good news is that you don’t have to be bound by your fears, you don’t have to spend your life constantly seeking that external validation and sense of security, and you don’t have to chase that perfect relationship to find your other half.

Because one day, you realize that there was no need to run around compensating in the first place.