Asking “Why”

I’ve always been a curious person. I’ve always wanted to know what things are, how they work, and most importantly, why things are the way they are.

While growing up, I would frequently get into arguments with my parents when the imperative “Because I said so” was invoked.

To my mind, this was a highly suspect and completely unsatisfactory answer.

There’s a good argument to be made that I was just a stubborn kid who didn’t want to do his chores, but this tendency to push back against “because that’s the way things are” served me well during the absolute low that came following my break-up in early 2022.

I was devastated. I was miserable, hopeless, and full of absolute despair. I was the human embodiment of Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt.

I cried every day for a month, and then most days for a second month, only taking breaks when I felt too empty to cry that day.

And then, suddenly, the entire path to personal freedom was blown open when somewhere in the back of my mind, a question bubbled up…

Why?

“Why are you so devastated?”, the one remaining logical brain cell in my aching head asked.

“You only dated her for like 6 months!”

Oh yeah.

That WAS strange. How could somebody I’d only dated for half a year make me despair of ever feeling happy again?

Thus began the cascade of “whys” that would utterly transform my life.

Why did it end? Why had I become so dependent? Why did I feel such a strong need for this girl? Why did I feel like my life was crumbling to the ground? Why did I suddenly feel devoid of any meaning or purpose?

After all… it was only a 6 month relationship… right?

This one logical thought was like the fine blade of a chisel slowly working its way through the otherwise impenetrable walls around my mind. Walls made up of sadness and anger and every other conceivable negative emotion.

But slowly and surely, the chisel blade worked its way through my entire life. Revealing truth where before I had once been (perhaps willfully) blind.

The answer to these whys fundamentally shifted my view of not just my own life, but “life” itself.

I realized I had been living a lie. I’d been living half a life. I’d built an entire identity around avoiding myself. Around fracturing and dividing who I thought I was from who I wanted to be. Around trying to hide my “flaws” and act like I was happier than I actually was.

My relationship had ended because of a multitude of reasons. Many of which had been my fault. I’d been needy and insecure and had put my former girlfriend on an incredibly high pedestal.

“Why?”

For years I’d built an entire persona around people pleasing, making other people happy, being the “nice” guy. Endlessly trying to make everybody like me, not because I wanted them to be happy, but because I desperately needed their validation to not feel hollow.

“Why?”

I’d always been a perfectionist, wanting to get everything right. I needed to know the right answers. I couldn’t stand conflict or people not liking me. I needed to be seen not just as “good” but as the “best”, and this has caused me to be terrified of anything too challenging. I was crippled by a fear of being seen as being a fraud.

“Why?”

Because I’m bad! I’m unlovable and unworthy and people will leave me if I make a mistake. People won’t want to be my friends if they see how worthless I am.

“Why?”

…Well…That’s just the way it is, right?

“Why”

…Because

This last one stumped me.

Hold on, I never accept “because”. Not unless it’s backed up with some evidence.

And just like my mom when I was a kid who didn’t want to do the dishes, my mind got frustrated when I refused to accept the “because”.

“Why am I not good enough? Why am I unlovable and unworthy?”

“That’s just the way things are!” the mind countered.

That’s a lazy answer. That’s a cop-out.

Was it possible that I didn’t have a good answer? Was it possible that there was no good reason for the myriad of compensation mechanisms I’d employed? Was it possible that I had lived my entire life feeling not good enough, trying to compete for validation, trying to be everyone’s friend and never let anybody down on such a simple assumption as “Because you’re not good enough” with nothing to back it up?

Was that just “the way things were”?